Stalemate

Throughout life there are certain milestones set out for us. Right from birth we start to achieve these things naturally just by growing up. We open our eyes, sit up, start walking, talking, sleep in our own bed. And then we're off to school and with each passing year we graduate on to the next level, constantly moving up the ranks. We complete high school and move on to University or college where for most of us we live out from under the watchful eyes of our parents for the first time. Out of University we get our first "real" job, "real" apartment, start to feel growth in ourselves as we enter the world of adulthood.

I went through these stages and I'm happy to say that I did most of them quite well. It took me some time to get the hang of things but overall I was a pretty happy go lucky hard working (and at times hardly working) girl. I've always felt pretty good about where I've ended up and the progress I've made towards certain goals.

But what happens when you've gone through the stages and you're just not sure what's next.

I have never been great at making decisions, I have, however always been good at going with the flow. And it just so happens that the flow as always lead me in a positive direction, a direction towards personal growth and development. Lately I haven't been feeling very growy... or flowy. I have adjusted quite nicely to my little life here in Korea and for a time I have felt that rather than really living my life I have just been existing. Not moving forward, not moving back....stalemate.

At this point, in the past I would just move. New apartment, new city, new province, new continent...just move and that would push me forward in some way. But I am starting to see that this is not always the answer. New location, new job, new style, change for the sake of change does not always equal growth.

"All change is not growth; as all movement is not forward”
~Ellen Glasgow

Thinking about this a little more I realize that what I attribute to growth is big changes, big risks, but that's not always the case. Personal growth can take shape in many forms and the form that may be taking shape right now for me is an inner shift, a shift to become a little more settled in who I am right now, today. Every big move I've made, every big change I've had has brought me closer to being the woman I want to become, my ideal self. . But let's just be clear in saying that there is more than one version of this woman I aspire to be. So maybe it's okay, for now, to stand still for a while and work on truly accepting the woman that I am, the woman that I have worked so hard to become.

“The strongest principle of growth lies in the human choice.”
~ George Eliot

And my choice is to stand still for a while and just take it all in. Relinquish my new found need to feel control over my future and just be me.


***Why writing is good. Why already after one day I'm diggin' this challenge. When I sat down to start writing I was feeling a little discouraged, a little stressed.. But having taken the time to really think about it all and sort out my thoughts, I am leaving this post feeling a little bit lighter.